Send me your jokes and cartoons and I will publish them here.

FDA WARNINGS ON THE USE OF ALCOHOL

Due to increasing products liability litigation,
American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's
suggestion that the following warning labels be placed
immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
tell your friends over and over again that you love
them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you can logically converse with other members of the
opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you
getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
roll over in the morning and see something really
scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a
disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small
(and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
literally disappear.

Sent in by ADDICTED

Lying Cop

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and
has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: No, I don't have one. I had it suspended
after my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the ownership card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I say the ownership card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK???!!!???

Driver: Yes sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
approached the driver cautiously to handle the delicate situation.

Captain: Sir, Can I see your license?
Driver: Sure, here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the ownership
card.

The driver owned the car

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so
that I can see if there is
a gun in it?
Driver: Yes sir, but there is no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was
told that you said there was a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

The trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said that you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding too.....

Sent in by river-rat

Female Comebacks!
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Sent in by river-rat

THE GO-GO DANCER

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them
headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the
clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men
started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home
builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a
new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman,
and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so
successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully
loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone,
bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so
well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few
minutes of taking care of business. The first man
mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is
yours doing?

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and
go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he
continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing
job, but he must be doing well. His last three
boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a
stock portfolio."

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the National Anthem started....the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts". And the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run hit the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well.....the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress.
Finding his assistant, The doctor asked, "What happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well...everything was going just
fine until this guy walked by and yelled..."PEANUTS!!!"

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Sent in by river-rat

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted

Sent in by river-rat

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Sent in by river-rat

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Sent in by river-rat

Sent in by river-rat

My son came home from school one day,
A smirk was on his face.
He'd decided he was smart enough
To put me in my place.

HE SAID:

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
That's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today:
THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.

IT SAYS:

I don't have to clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
How to speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom FROM religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Be tattooed from head to toes.

AND if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with the crime,
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.


HE SAID:

Don't you ever touch me,
This body's for MY use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
That's just more child abuse.


HE CONTINUED WITH:

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your mama did to you.
That's nothing but your mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services,
Better known as C.S.D.


MY TURN!

Well, of course, my natural instinct
Was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach a lesson,
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A little smile crept to my face....
He was messing with a pro!


AND AWAY WE GO!

Next day I took him shopping,
At the local Good Will store,
I told him, "pick out all you want!
There are shirts & pants galore."

I've called and checked with C.S.D.,
They said they didn't care,
If I bought you K-Mart shoes,
Instead of Nike Airs.


OH! And...

I've cancelled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned,
So I'll decide what's best.


I SAID:

No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch,
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save that raging appetite,
And wait 'til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions.
It's a favourite dish of mine.


He ASKED:

Can we stop to rent a movie,
So I can watch the VCR?
Sorry, I said, I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
You can take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof above your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose the food we eat,
That allowance that you used to get
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the PARENTS' BILL OF RIGHTS,
It's in effect today!

Hey, Hot Shot, are you crying?
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you?
....GO CALL THE C.S.D.!

Posted by Sundawn

Dear God,
Yesterday was an awful day for me......
My wife ran off with the milkman,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane crash landed on my garage,
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!!
But please....
DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!

Sent in by ADDICTED

Ted and his wife were working in the garden one day when Ted looks over at
his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I
bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque."

With that he proceeded to get the tape measure and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's butt.
"Yes I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, ted is
feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up that big-ass grill
for one little weenie?!!"

Sent in by ADDICTED

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Sent in by ADDICTED

Catholic School
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, etc. In a last ditch effort, they took Tommy and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, Little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed.

She called him to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for sometime, day after day, while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it. To her surprise, Little Tommy had
received an A in math!

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head no.
"Well, then," she asked, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"

Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of Catholic school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"

Sent in by river-rat

Sent in by river-rat

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last
Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Bite me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is
not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

Sent in by ADDICTED

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He
doesn't exist.

The little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The
teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then, according to what we were taught today in school,
she must not have one!

Sent in by ADDICTED

What to do with unwanted e-mail.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said, "How bad is it doc?....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room she anxiously opens her blouse to reveal her gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts." He immediately drops his pants and replies, ...... "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Sent in by river-rat

A man with a black eye, boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down. He immediately notices that the man next to him also has a black eye and says, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; Mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy replies, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with The most beautiful large breasts was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.'...and she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too.
I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife,
'Please pour me a cup of coffee honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.'

Sent in by river-rat

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning and said to his congregation "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind".

The pastor shouted out, "Cross". Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross".

The Pastor hollered out, "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound".

The Pastor said, "Power". The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood".

The Pastor said, "Sex". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from way in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories".

Sent in by ADDICTED